Six months ago...

I just visited the website of The Nocturnal Wench, who is in a contemplative mood. (I can't leave a comment, Wenchy, the page just up and aborts every time).

Anyway, she posed the question of how things have changed in one's life when compared to six months ago. This got me thinking.

Six months ago I had just had dental surgery. (There are Mike and I pictured in the hospital just before the op). I kind of regret having it done, but I know that I would regret it more if I hadn't had it done.
It brings to mind the saying: the more things change, the more they stay the same. I was in pain then, I'm in pain now (albeit a different sort of pain). I had ms then, and apparently I still have it now. I was excited about the effect of the op then, and I'm excited about the effect of my fast now.
Not a helluva lot has changed.

But watch this space in six months time...
I'm glad I wrote this seemingly pointless post. It has given me tremendous motivation for my fast. I realised that I don't want to look back in 6 months or a year from now and still be battling with the same old sh*t. It's onwards and upwards from here on. I still firmly belive that the human body is one mean, lean healing machine, if just given the chance. So next time I feel like getting stuck into cake or pizza or whatever, I'll just remind myself that nothing tastes as good as feeling great.

I guess I'm a bit obssessed by my health, but I've been thinking a lot lately. I have so many unfulfilled ambitions and dreams still to achieve, but to do so, I need my health. So that is my first port of call, it's as simple as that. Once I've figured that out, then I can move on to more interesting things.

I see a glorious future stretching out ahead of Michael and I, two kids, a picket fence and golden retriever, the works. We love each other so much, I just cannot conceive of us not beating this thing together.

Day 12 - continued...

• Oh, I've really had it with this constant pain! I think i must make an appointment to see my chiropractor this week, much as I don't relish that thought! I just can't live with it anymore, it's wearing me down. Not only that, but it is making my fast so much more difficult than it would ordinarily have been.
• Speaking of which, I very nearly broke my fast tonight. I felt so hungry, and I've been thinking of food all day. Michael had the most delicious smelling toast for supper, with ham, tomato and salad on. I wanted to snatch it and stuff it down my throat, lol. He then had a slice of the black-forest cake that is languishing in our fridge. I felt weak and fed-up, and started on the unhelpful thought train of asking questuions like, "Why am I doing this?" Then I thought that I would just do it for another two days, thus completing two weeks.
• Fortunately, I got a grip on myself. I decided to have my 'supper' of apple and pineapple juice, and to see how i felt after that. Well, it did wonders to revive my flagging spirits. I feel like I can tackle this thing head-on again. I've decided that every time I feel like quitting, I have to give it at least one more day, in case the feeling (hopefully) passes. No-one said this was going to be easy, anyway.
• I have noticed some benefits already from the fast, as far as my health goes, most notably my gait and my eyesight. I've also stopped experiencing flashing purple lights when I swivel my eyes in their sockets to look left or right, which is a big improvement.
• Tomorrow is Day 13, so I can't quit yet anyway. That would be unlucky, lol. (I'm only superstitious when it suits me, ha ha)
• I had such a lovely weekend with my Michael. It never ceases to amaze me how we just never run out of things to talk about. He's a lot of fun to live with (most of the time, lol), a real laugh-riot. I like being married to my best friend. I told him tonight that I don't think I would have come this far on the fast if it weren't for him. He is unfailingly supportive, both emotionally and physically, by going out and 'hunting' for items for me to juice, and washing my juicer for me a lot of the time. Some mornings, he even comes back home during work-hours to make me 'juice in bed'. How sweet is that? He's just the best.
• I loved seeing my sisters this weekend. Annie in particular, as I still haven't gotten used to her living in Jozi. I'm so proud of the incredible woman that she has become.
• I hope these bloody bullets are going to show up when I publish this post. Some of the templates don't support bullets and I think this may be one of them. I really need to learn a bit of html.
• I found a really brilliant website on juice-fasting today. Looks to be the best one I've come across yet. I've saved it on our pc, and will peruse it at my leisure tomorrow.
• I'm going to have a nice, hot bath now, so that I can hopefully get some sleep with my naughty sacro-illiac joint. Tomorrow is another day, and we'll take it from there...

Day 12

This morning when I woke up, I had a slight headache. I don't know if this is fast-related, or if it was because we slept with the window closed and it was stuffy. I think it may have been the latter, because when I opened the window and got some fresh air, the headache disappeared.

Still battling with the pain, which is at this point in time in my right hip.

I still weigh safely over 50kg's. At least 51 from what I could see (I didn't have my glasses on). This bodes well for an extended fast.

I'm currently reading Morality for Beautiful Girls by A. McCall Smith, and enjoying it thoroughly. What a unique, fresh voice in these troubled times we live in.

I'm currently listening to: The soundtrack of You've Got Mail, and Theuns Jordaan. (Still).

I'm currently watching: DStv. What can I say? It's growing on me.

I had some powdered barley juice, just before we were invited to M's parents' house so he could have some pizza with them. We ended up watching a program that my mom-in-law taped for us, and I got so sleepy sitting in their comfy armchair. We were planning on visiting my parents, and Annie, who is still in town, but by then I felt really tired and quite weak. So we didn't go. I feel quite a bit better after making myself a 'green' juice (spinach, coriander and cucumber). I guess I needed that.
I feel a bit lacklustre though, and I want to eat! I'm hungry and for the first time I feel like ending the fast. But I can't do that yet. Can't quit just when it starts getting a bit uncomfortable. Can't expect it to be plain-sailing all the way.

I wish I had known about juice-fasting when I was a teen, and had pimples. I would have given anything then for my skin to be as smooth as it is now.

I'm eyeing out the cake in the fridge and longing for a piece. I guess I need some comfort food today, but that is unfortunately not on the menu. Somehow, I don't think one would have much luck juicing chocolate, lol.
For the first time since I started this fast, my willpower is being tested. I want to eat something, dammit. And not a bloody apple, either.

Days 10 & 11

I have been way too active for the past couple of days, and I’m feeling it in my back and hips. Ouch! I had quite severe pain last night, and battled to sleep. They’re sore again tonight, I really need to take it easy tomorrow.

The fast is going really well. I barely know that I’m on it, apart from the fact that I have to make juice five times a day (at least). I look forward to this coming week. I’m going to take it really easy, just listen to music, read my new books and maybe even try a spot of meditating. Hopefully the weather will be a tad warmer, too.

I have no idea what my weight is, I’ll have to weigh myself tomorrow. But I don’t seem to have noticeably lost weight, which is great, after eleven days! I would so love to keep up the fast for at least 30 days.

One thing that I have noticed is that my skin is rather dry. I think I will have a tbs of olive oil tomorrow.

The stork tea was a success, and everyone seemed to have a good time. My banana bread and cheesecake were a hit. Yay! Especially the cheesecake. I seem to have stumbled onto a really good (and relatively easy) recipe. My new tin works brilliantly! I just love it. I realized today that I’ve really missed baking. I used to bake a lot as a teen, but more or less let it go after I got married, and especially when I became ill. So it’s a lot of fun getting back into it. Luckily there are a lot of birthdays coming up, so I have an excuse. The cheesecake will have to be a special occasion thing, because it’s pretty pricey to make. Over R40 for one tart.

Sonja and Jannette looked so cute and pregnant. They seemed to enjoy themselves. And little Aiden was walking around all over the place. She is just gorgeous, and very good. Such a little sweetie-pie. And Taryn is the world’s best older sister. So patient and sweet with her baby sister.

Our camera is really kaput! I tried taking photo’s today, but they are hopelessly over-exposed. I think we should make a plan this week to get a new one. What use is a ‘before’ photo if you don’t have an ‘after’ to compare it to? The idea was to take at least one photo a week so that I could check how the fast was affecting me.

Tomorrow is Day 12. Can’t believe I’ve been on the fast for 11 days already! It doesn’t seem that long. I told Michael today that I’m starting to miss eating. I’m not hungry in the slightest, but I miss tucking in, lol. Everyone commented today on my superb willpower in not eating cake, but I know better. It’s not willpower, so much as plain fear of what would happen if I broke my fast by eating cake.
Every faster knows that the most important part of a fast is how you break it. You have to start eating very gradually again, like maybe a single apple, and stick to very simple meals for a while. Things are not going to go well for you if you go form eating nothing solid for 10 days to eating a piece of cake. It just wouldn’t be worth it.
My parents-in-law came to visit this afternoon. We had such a lovely visit with them, they are so comfortable to visit with. I do enjoy their company. I’ve said it before, but I am really lucky to have the in-laws that I do. So many people don’t get along at all with their in-laws. I just have great family in general. I’m very lucky in that department. Very.

Day 8 & 9

Day 8 went well, after a bit of a rocky start. I had my first juice of the day after ten, and for the first time since starting the fast, I felt a bit weak and tired. I felt a bit funny too, in a way that I associate with a water-fast. I was very disappointed, thinking that I may have to cut my fast short. But after two juices, I made a courageous comeback, and felt entirely back to ‘normal’. The rest of the day passed smoothly.

Day 9 (today) also went well. I went shopping with Michael and overdid it a bit, leading to an ms exacerbation. But I recovered well from that. Will have to remember to take it easier tomorrow. But I’m glad I went to town. I wanted to buy a spring-form cake pan, and I couldn’t just ask M to buy it for me, as I needed to see the range and decide which one I wanted. I saw this great cheesecake recipe in a magazine. I’ve been looking for one for ages, as it’s Michael’s all time favourite. I needed the spring-form tin, though. Now I have it, and the ingredients for the cheesecake, so I’m looking forward to making it tomorrow and seeing how it turns out.

I’ve having a little, informal stork-tea for my two pregnant sisters on Saturday. I’m looking forward to it a lot. Annie is coming to visit for the weekend, which is why I decided to have it on Saturday, as she is so keen to be there. It will be a surprise for Sonja, who thinks that we (her, Annie and I) will be going shopping. I had to tell Jannette, though, as I couldn’t for the life of me think how I could get her to my house under false pretences. And she’s like me, anyway, she doesn’t like surprises.
I’m going to serve the cheesecake, maybe bake a banana-bread, and buy a black-forest cake from the mini-supermarket. Then I just have to get something savoury.

Michael and I played a game of sudoku tonight, and the stakes were HIGH! If I won, he would have to forego coffee, gas cooldrinks and chocolate for the month of May. If he won, I had to forego using the telephone (incl. Internet) for a month.Well, guess what? I won! Yay!

Days 6 & 7

Days 6 & 7:

Day 6 went well. No complaints at all. I read on my forum that some people juice sweet potato. Yikes! But I was intrigued, and did some research. There are a lot of juice recipes on the net that include (raw) sweet potato or yam juice. Apparently it gives one a lot of stamina.

I got Michael to buy me a sweet potato on the way home from work, and last night I juiced it, along with two carrots. It had a strange taste (no surprises there!) But the aftertaste was not unpleasant at all, and it was so filling. And I feel great today, so obviously it ain’t doing me any harm.

Today (day 7) is going fine too. It is insanely cold here. Feels as though we’ve been catapulted straight into Winter. I didn’t sleep that well, because I was getting cold, and the only way I can sleep when I’m getting cold is by curling into a ball on my side. But that really hurt my hips and I’m feeling it today. I still think they’re improving, but it’s so s-l-o-w!

I’ve just washed our Winter blanket. I have no intention of getting cold tonight. My hot-water will also be called into active service for the season.

This morning my stomach decided to work. I won’t give any more detail than that, lol. But it was a relief, because that is one of the worrying aspects of a fast, the fact that your digestive system comes to a halt. So knowing that your colon is ‘clear’ does a lot for your state of mind.

Speaking of state of minds, another great benefit of fasting is how clear your thought become and how happy you feel. It is a great problem-solving period. And I feel so happy! Focused, but happy. I can get used to this.

Also, my skin is starting to get a nice glowing look to it and the whites of my eyes are clear and, well, white.

I weighed myself about 5 minutes ago, and, without shoes, I clock in at 52kg’s. I thought it would be less, I look thinner to myself. Still, I’m happy about the 52. It means that I’m not losing weight too quickly. I’ve lost most of my potbelly, although I think that could also be because my stomach muscles are back in town, after the cortisone treatment. Who knows. But I’m glad because normally the first place I lose weight is, you guessed, straight of my chest. Hate when that happens. Why is that always the first place to lose weight, and the last to gain?

My parents were just here. My mom commented on the glowingness of my skin, and my dad on the brightness of my eyes. Totally unprompted by me, I might add. It’s just so nice when it starts to pay off. I have made juice over thirty times already since I started last Wednesday. That’s a lot of juice.

Apart from the obvious gratification of nice skin and eyes, I think the big pay-offs are still coming. My walking is improving daily, as well as my eye-sight. If things are looking this good now, I’m interested in the 30-day update. Although by then, I should be a right skinny-malinks, lol.

I’m not a great tv watcher, but it is nice to have more options with the DStv. Last night we watched Boston Legal, which Sonja has been taping for us before we got satellite. It was nice watching it ‘live’. Boston Legal is a spin-off of The Practice and I love it. James Spader’s character, Alan Shore is a complex piece of work, and I love watching him in action.

Sudoku score: 39 – 40, in Michael’s favour. I can’t believe how closely matched we are.

Day 5

I experienced my first detox symptoms last night. This may have been as a result of the (cooked) prune juice that I had yesterday. My sister Sonja, who is looking gorgeously pregnant btw, told me about Safari prune juice, which has no additives or preservatives of any kind in it, and comes in a glass bottle. It tastes good, too, and helps to flush out one’s system on a juice fast, when you’re not consuming solids. However, I’ve been drinking strictly raw juice up till now, and don’t know if this was advisable.]

I went to sleep feeling fine, but woke up some hours later feeling positively weird. I was hyped up, fidgety and restless, and an old problem of mine resurfaced, where I battle to breath in a proper deep breath. I breathe shallowly, and start feeling rather panicky. But it passed soon enough and I went back to sleep. When I woke up, I was feeling fine. Better than fine actually.

I can really recommend a juice fast to anyone who wants to feel refreshed in body and mind.

My hips are really sore today. I simply must start taking it easier and rest them more.

My walking is going along not-too-shabbily at all. This is why it’s so hard to rest my back and hips because it is so exciting to be walking better.
So far, day 5 has been fab. I feel happy and full of energy. I could get used to this, lol.

Day 3 & 4

Yesterday (Day 3) passed much the same as day 2. I had mild to severe pain in my back/hips/knees throughout the day. It is not so much that I can’t cope with it, than that I am very worried about the cause of the pain. But that is what I said last time, and it got better, so I’ll opt to stick it out and hope for the best.

My menu was almost identical to day 2’s, except I had a carrot & beetroot combo instead of the carrot/ cabbage one. Variety – the spice of life, lol.

I felt good, no detox symptoms to speak of. This is what I like about the juice-fast. The release of toxins from the body is so much more gradual that it doesn’t place undue strain on the body, unlike a water fast, where it just comes pouring out, and you feel grotty a lot of the time.

I did take my ‘before’ shot, as you can see. I really hope that I’m not going to lose too much weight. I loathe being a skinny malinks. I like having a bit of meat on my bones. Still, I’d rather be underweight and healthy than ‘right-size’ and sick. And like Michael says, it will be fun putting the weight back on. I can really enjoy carbo-loading, lol.
I quite like the shape I’m in at the moment (with the aid of a ferocious stomach suck-in, ha ha) I was ‘anorexically’ skinny for so long that it’s even nice to have a bit of a paunch. Speaking of the paunch, however, ever since my last mini-bout of cortisone, I have rediscovered my stomach muscles, which had gone AWOL. What an underrated part of the body! It’s so nice to be able to flex them. I can actually fit into my normal jeans again. Yay! And wear my usual tops, instead of all the baggy stuff I’ve been wearing largely to disguise my middle-age spread (and I’m only 26!)

I am absolutely determined to be healthy again. I believe it is each of our birthright – to be glowingly and perfectly healthy. I don’t believe that Our Heavenly Father created us to be ill. But I do believe that He has certain natural laws that we would be wise not to break. Like, no-one in their right mind would leap off a cliff and expect to survive. And by the same token, we can’t expect to live in a toxic environment, abuse our bodies, and for them to just keep on ‘keeping on’.
I think that somewhere, somehow in my childhood, I was exposed to toxic and contaminated water. This is not me sucking my thumb here, the land on which I grew up, is in a mining area, and exposed to all the toxic waste used in mining. To such an extent that they paid out (quite a large) settlement to the family, so there must have been something seriously wrong with the tests that they conducted. Not only that, but three of my cousins (living on the property) also contracted auto-immune diseases. That is just way too much of a coincidence, for me.

The juice-fasting detoxes one on a cellular level, exhuming long-forgotten toxins buried deep within the cells. So whatever it is that is causing my immune-system to be so on the defensive, so to speak will hopefully come out. Also, juice-fasting is known to regulate an errant immune system. And let’s face it, that’s really what I need. I am determined to sort this out, once and for all!

Day 4:

Weight (barefoot): 52kg. I have always said this is my ideal weight. Seems like I’ve lost about 1kg in three days. I hope it is not going to continue at this pace, or I will have to call off the fast sooner than I’d like to.

I haven’t really been sticking to my program that I worked out for myself, as far as the meditating, affirmations etc. goes. Why I am lax to do this, I have no idea. Surely the not-eating-solids part should be the hardest? But it’s not.
I can’t sunbathe (as recommended) much, as we’ve been having pretty manky weather lately. As I speak, the wind is howling away, and it was raining this morning.

I have been skin-brushing though. Quite proud of myself for that. Skin-brushing is where you take a long-handled, natural-bristle brush, and brush your whole body (excluding face, and any other delicate bits :-) in long, even strokes. You start at the extremities (hands and feet) and work your way up, always brushing towards the heart. This is an excellent way of stimulating your lymph system to get rid of toxins. As it is, the skin is a major, major organ of elimination. Afterwards, be sure to treat yourself to a long, hot bath.
BTW, this is also brilliant for cellulite, ladies).
I had my usual breakfast, a glass of orange and grapefruit juice. I feel pretty good, no lack of energy. I felt ever-so-slightly light-headed when I stood up this morning, but it didn’t last long enough to be a problem at all. I’m really pleased with the way this is going. Must just try and meditate a bit today. Or maybe I’ll start on Monday ;-)

Day 2

Today was singularly uneventful. Which I guess is good, as I’m on a juice-fast. I did buy some Apple cider Vinegar which I have been looking for for ages. It’s organic, unrefined and preservative free, miraculously enough. The stuff is supposed to be very good for you, with a great many health-benefiting properties. It has loads of potassium, which is great for a faster.

So today was day 2. I don’t feel weak at all, which is so nice. It feels so easy to be on a juice fast as opposed to a WATER fast, which I find HARD.

Happily, I weigh more than I thought I did. 55kg’s, but that is fully-clothed and with takkies on, so I reckon it’s closer to 53kg. But that stills means that I can afford to lose more than I thought, which is great, as I would love to keep this up for a month, but not if it means going under 45kg. I still have to take my ‘before’ photo. Keep forgetting.

I bought a hot-water bottle (with snazzy polar-fleece cover) today, but it smells so strongly of rubber that I just plain can’t stand it. I think I’ll use my old one instead, with a towel wrapped around it. Thing is, my back is so sore that I can barely watch tv at night. Both my MIL and my granny suggested I use a hot-water bottle to soothe the pain, and I must say, it helps. But the new one has to go. Even Michael has commented on how strongly it smells, and he usually isn’t bothered by smells.

Today, I had: Orange and grapefruit juice
Barley green
1 Tbs flaxseed oil
Carrot and cabbage juice
Apple Cider Vinegar, in a glass of water
And the most divine glass of apple juice.

I don’t feel hungry at all. In fact, I feel great. If it wasn’t for pain in my back/ hips, I wouldn’t have a care in the world.

Ooh! Michael has just challenged me to a game of SUDOKU. Let me go and whip his ass quick, hee hee. B right back…

Oops. How was I to know that M is on a winning streak! I must stop playing that ‘You’ve Got Mail’ CD for him, ‘cos it really does it for him.
He won, 2 games to my 1. The total score is now 32:34 in his favour.

DStv is installed. Must admit, I’m not liking it that much. Where are all the old classics that I was hoping for? Gone With the Wind, The Wizard of Oz, Casablanca? I’ll be happier when we get our dish guide. I’m not one for aimless channel-hopping.

Michael seems to be enjoying it, though.

I joined a juice-fasting forum today. Looks to be very informative. I hope that I’m going to make a whole lot of new buddies there. Maybe there’ll even be someone currently on a juice fast that I can compare notes with.
Can’t find the camera to take my ‘before’ pic. Will have to do it tomorrow.

I’ve officially started my juice fast. It’s going well. This morning I had a glass of grapefruit juice, and I had a glass of orange juice for lunch. Fasting (for me, anyway) is tremendously psychological. If you make it into a big deal, psychologically, then it will be.
The thing is, we’ve all been brainwashed since birth that if we skip a couple of meals we’ll die. This is a huge mental hurdle to overcome. Most of us are capable of going for a month or more without food. Fasting is an ancient practice that dates back to well before biblical times. It was nothing funny back then, everyone did it. It is just modern man that has let go of this extremely beneficial practice.
I don’t want to make any grand announcements about how long I intend to fast. I plan to take it day by day instead, and listen to my body. But I would like to make it for a month.

We are having DStv installed this afternoon. Michael has wanted it for absolute ages, me not. So we played a game of sudoku for it. More fool me. I might have known that if the stakes were high, M would win. The rules were that if he won, we’d get DStv. If I won, we wouldn’t, and I never wanted to hear another word about it. The game itself was tense, you could cut the tension with a knife.
He thoroughly trashed me! So the installation guy is coming later this afternoon. I must admit, I do feel kinda excited.

Thinking back on it, a did find the end of Dead Simple a trifle disappointing. It ended too abruptly for me. I’m not the kind of person that stares at car-wrecks, and people that were involved in accidents, but I do like a bit of gory detail in books. The guy in the book was tortured and had bits of him cut off. The book ended as soon as he was found. I would have at least liked to know what shape he was in.
Nevertheless, I would like to read the second Roy Grace novel, by Peter James. I like the character of this quirky Detective Superintendent. And I’d like to find out what happens between him and Cleo Morey. And if he ever discovers what happened to Sandy…
My back is still damn sore. Hardly got any sleep last night. I joke that my wheel-alignment must be out, because I’m pulling left (when I walk).

I started my ‘healthy eating plan’ again yesterday, officially. I’m quite proud of myself. I cleared three hurdles, namely 1) fresh cheese buns, 2) a Kentucky Avalanche ice-cream, and 3) a slab of Cadbury’s caramel, my all-time favourite chocolate.
I withstood temptation, and I’m so glad I did. One has to break the cycle somewhere.

Today I’ve only had fruit so far, (resisted pancakes for lunch, lol) and intend eating raw foods for the rest of the day. I want to start with the juice-fast tomorrow or the next day. I feel excited.

I finished reading a brilliant thriller today, Peter James’ Dead Simple. I don’t ordinarily read this genre, but it was pretty gripping. I love a book that is written intelligently.

The weather is so rainy for this time of year. I wonder when it will let up.

I went to the dentist today to have him check out my chipped tooth. He said not to worry, it’s no more than a splinter. He also told me I have fabulous teeth. Yay! I got him to burr off a piece of cement that I had on one of my back teeth from wearing braces years ago. It feels much better. It’s been bugging me for a while.

Another thing that’s been bugging me is that I have to go and fetch my passport. But that means going and queuing at home affairs for hours. I’m so not in the mood for that, but I’d better go and fetch it before it disappears. It was hard enough getting the bloody thing in the first place.

Stunning day

I

just had the most stunning Easter day! Well, apart from the agony in my back, blah, blah... (even I'm getting bored with hearing about it!)

M went to play golf this morning, but we've spent every moment together since then. He brought us back two chocolate Easter eggs, huge, one with an Eeyore hand puppet and one with a tigger. Well we polished those, then went and ate out at a new fish restaurant around the corner. I had a small portion of grilled calamari, which I love and chips. Delish. I've been pigging out ever since, so yes, it was a lovely, yummy, decadent day.

Whipped Mike's butt at sudoku. Currently, the score is 29:32 in my favour. Yeah baby!

I played one of my CD's (the soundtrack to You've Got Mail) while we were playing and Michael kept saying ow cool this one song is. (Jimmy Durante's You Made Me Love You). I totally agree, it is one of my favourites, but very old-fashioned, I didn't think he'd like it. We dimmed the lights, turned up the volume and held hands, listening to this stunnibng music. That is what life is about for me.
]
Yesterday, we watched such an amazing movie, In Her Shoes. Starring Shirley Maclaine and Cameron Diaz (in her first grown-up role, I think). Anyone who has a sister should watch this movie. So brilliant. M and I both cried liberally at the end. There was a poem (recited by Cammie) by e.e. cummings, called: I carry your heart. That alone was enough to move me to tears.
I'm not a great one for poetry, but I do have a couple of favourites that mean a lot to me. This is now one of them.

i carry your heart with me
by e. e. cummings

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my
true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always
meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the
bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which
grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars
apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

I am growing increasingly excited about my juice fast. The thing is, I've been wanting to do a water-fast for ages. But it's a big deal, because you run the risk of losing electrolytes, which is not a good idea. It actually needs to be medically supervised. And you get weak! Or at least I do. I don't know why I haven't done a juice fast long ago. I thought it wasn't as good, I wanted to call in the big guns, but I have since (as in yesterday) revised my opinion. Did I mention I'm excited?
I did one once previously, for nine days, and it did me a lot of good. But this time I intend going for longer. There are expensive clinics in Europe where patients juice-fast for 30 days. And are cured of such biggies as cancer. So surely my little ms won't put up too much of a fight. Naturally, you pay a LOT of money to be in aforementioned clinics, so I'll be doing it on my own. But like I said, it is ot potentially dangerous, like water-fasting, and nowhere near as uncomfortable.

I love this feeling. It's the feeling of being pro-active, of doing something. It does wonders for my mental outlook. I feel so positive again. Brimming with it, in fact. Life is so good, I just want to live it. A good session of cortisone-induced depression always makes me appreciate my usual perky disposition.

Our camera is not well. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. But today it did, And my photo's on this blog are so sorely out of date, so I thought I'd put some on that M took of me. I should lose a fair amount of weight on the fast, so I reckon a before and after should be interesting. I'll get him to do a full body shot tomorrow.

Happy Easter everyone.

I'm in a lot of pain today. Barely slept last night. I was supposed to go spend the day with my parents and niece, and also to pop around to my grandparents to welcome them back home, but I'm just too sore. I'm staying home in the hope that some rest will ease my back.

On the plus side, I've normalled out, emotionally, and my walking has improved quite a bit since the cortisone. Not that I'm about to start talking about clouds and silver linings, but anyway.

I do feel a bit excited about the future. I've decided that I'm going to embark on a juice fast. I was thinking about doing a water-fast to detox the backlog of cortisone out of me, before I get some serious long-term side-effects. But that is so debilitating and yucky. Whereas a juice fast is much milder on the body, much easier to do, and the results are also very good. I'm looking forward to it a lot! I want to start sometime during this next week. I have a book order coming soon, too. Can't wait. I'm in the mood for a good read.

I'll have to update later, my back is screaming in protest...

What a very dismal week this has been.

It got off to a bad start, with my hip/ back/ knee pain being back with a vengeance. Really bad. It wasn’t helped by the fact that I was walking awkwardly again. Anyway, I read on the net that some people, instead of waiting for a flare-up (with the ms) and then taking a five-day course of IV steroids, have a single day ‘maintenance’ dose every month, to keep it under control. I decided to give it a try, and my doc was on board, so I went to the hospital and got a gram of cortisone, just like that. I thought the side-effects would be less. Boy, was I wrong.

The first day I was fine (apart from the excruciating pain in my back, that is). But the next day I was wasted. So tired. I also worried that I may be pregnant, and how would that poor little baby cope with this horrible medicine. Fortunately, it turned out that I wasn’t.
The next couple of days I felt really depressed (a side –effect) and was in constant pain. I felt so fatalistic. Yesterday for the first time, I started feeling a little better. Not great shakes, but I thought that I may be interested in carrying on a bit longer, lol.
My mom phoned to tell me that a lady in our church had died, and when I hung up the phone, I cried and cried. I didn’t know her all that well, and she was going on 86 years old, but it was as if I suddenly had something concrete to feel sad about.
She loved my mom like a daughter and has left her a beautiful piano. I just found it all unbearably sad last night.
Today, the pain is still with me, but it’s not as severe. I feel a lot less sorry for myself, but I must say, I don’t think I see chance for this every month.

Wow, I’m in such a better mood than I was in my last post.

I have been battling a lot the last couple of days, however. The ms seems to be back in town. I’m walking awkwardly, and this is making my hip sore again. And I’ve been eating so badly. I swear it’s been the only time I’ve felt happy lately, when I’m eating. The worse I eat, the worse I feel, and the worse I feel the worse I want to eat. Vicious circle or what? I’ve gotten a grip on myself today, though.

I phoned my medical aid and asked if I can receive the cortisone treatment as an outpatient, only going in in the mornings for an hour to get the drip. They refused. So I pointed out to them that they could save over ten thousand rand a year if they did it my way. Management discussed it, and gave me authorization to be an out-patient. Yay! They thanked me for phoning in. Apparently it’s almost unheard of for a member to phone in and actually try to save them some money. And as for me, if I have to lie in that hospital for 5 days again, I’ll seriously go off my rocker. It’s a good hospital, but it’s just too boring for words to lie there for a week, while my life gets put on hold. No man.
So now I can go and get my muti without it being such a very big deal! I’ll probably start going this week, or maybe next week, depending on how I feel.

It was lovely seeing Annie again. Just like old times!

Good to be back home with Michael, though. I missed that man! A lot!


Last night, I bit down hard while I was eating, and my front teeth weren’t 100% aligned. They ground against each other, and I chipped my bottom front tooth. I swore and carried on a bit (poor Michael). I was pretty upset. Slightly recovered now. I’ll go to see the dentist next week, and hopefully they can just buff it a bit and it will be all right.
I also want to see the dental hygienist. Back when I was 19 and wore braces, they didn’t remove all the glue properly when they took them off. I wonder if this isn’t what been poisoning my system. I’ll be glad if they can burr it off. And while she’s at it, she can shine up my smile, lol.

Sudoku Score: 14:12, if my favour.

We got a new Kenny Rogers CD, and it’s become tradition to listen to it (or another CD) while we’re playing. And also to have snacks on the table. It’s a lot of fun. (Although when we get really competitive, there’s no time to eat, lol) That is probably why I chipped my tooth, by cramming a bite of toast in my mouth and eating too fast!
Last night we played for stakes. The loser (Michael) got the honour of doing the dishes.

I’ll probably go in on Monday for my cortisone drip. I’m only getting it for one day. I saw on the net that some PwMS are trying a monthly maintenance dose of a single shot, instead of waiting for a relapse and going for the big guns. My doctor is on board, and we’re going to try it. I do like my doctor, he’s very open to suggestion. He also looks like a teddy bear, which is nice.
The main reason I want to start on Monday is that my eyes are playing up, and I don’t want to take any chances there. Also, with my walking being awkward, my hips are getting more sore by the day. Don’t like that at all.

I feel tired and depressed.

The last couple of days have been difficult. I get so tired after small chores that I battle to walk. I seem to be having exacerbations again, after a blissful two months of not getting them.

Annie arrived at my parents’ house this morning, but I feel tearful and antisocial. I’ve been looking so forward to seeing her, and now I don’t even want to go there. The only thing I want to do is to stay in my room and eat junk food, but I’m trying to restrain myself from doing that, as it so won’t help matters.

I don’t know if I can face another round of this monster.

Of course, it just occurred to me that this is probably PMS. I’m the tearful kind of PMS victim. I have a good bawl, and then the next day I feel fine again. Here’s to hoping.