Better, can it be?

I am officially feeling better after yesterday's complete and utter meltdown. Yikes!

The physical pain in my back is, if anything, worse, but at least I've got a grip on my emotions, and the little pity-party I was throwing, everybody invited.
Personally, I prefer emotional pain, because I tend to get over it faster. Physical is a different kettle of fish. I can't work out whether I have a really low pain-threshhold, or if this is really some serious pain I'm dealing with, ut either way, I'm in AGONY. And the earliest I can see the chiropractor is on Tuesday. How will I make it till then? Good grief. I feel like going to the vet and being put out of my misery! They can tell the kids I went to live on a nice farm, ha ha.
Sorry, that was facetious, I know.

Serves me right, anyway. I haven't been doing my special exercises for at least two weeks. That is just asking for trouble. Still I did have a relapse, and did have to take cortisone so cut me some slack, will ya? Even a fistful of Myprodols doesn't ease the pain. I know this from past experience. The doctors gave me veritable cocktail of painkillers last time with absolutely no result. I'm trying my hardest not to have hip-replacement at age 26 fantasies. Although I'm nearly 27, that's MUCH better. Not.
Enough about my hips already.

I'm bored with the relapse already. Which is good, because it's hard to be emotional about something you feel bored with. Yawn. I decided I'm just going to take things easy for a while, eat well (or better than I have been, at any rate) and if the dose of cortisone I had really isn't going to help, then I'll go to hospital and take a larger dose. What else can I bloody well do? Flippin' hell!
On the plus side, my eyes seem to be doing better. Less flashing purple lights and pain in my eye-balls. I must admit to liking that. A lot.
In honour of the improvement, I've ordered myself two books. Also two cd's. All on discount, no less.
You know, I feel a lot happier since I did that. Don't ever tell me retail therapy doesn't work.

Oh, and thanks so very much for the supportive comments on my post yesterday. I cried when I read them, but they made me feel a lot better.

Cross Blog.

I thought I’d continue where I left off and complete my last post, in honour of our PC being fixed. (My previous post was a very rushed affair on the office PC while waiting for Michael to finish his lunch).

I still had quite a bit to say, but was cut short when he wanted to leave.
The pain is verging on excruciating. Best that I book an appointment at the chiropractor.
In mid-December, I will have had this pain for a year. It comes and goes (well, it doesn’t quite go, but I’m sure you follow), but if I do anything remotely physical it gets aggravated.

I had my hair cut, finally. I quite like it. Quite a bit shorter. It’s a kind of whimsical, pixie-ish look. A bit shaggy. (Just call me Shaggy Maggie).

I had a good cry when I got home. So much for crying not helping, because I feel a lot better. The thing is, I always thought I’d beat this disease. Now I’m not so sure at all. And they say it’s a scary thing when you lose hope. I can feel my hope disintegrating, like mist before the sun.
And I feel really angry, at the route my life has taken.
I can’t remember feeling angry like this before, but I think that’s because I never advanced to acceptance, which I reckon comes before anger, in the psychological pattern of disease and loss.
So yeah, I feel relatively de moer in.

I do still have a tiny kernel of hope that refuses to die, however. It’s the die-hard kind of hope, I can tell. And I know it will be with me till the end of time. It even has a couple of ideas for me to try out, which I no doubt will. Maybe tomorrow though. Today I couldn’t give a damn.

Something that has surfaced once again, is my desperate want for a baby. It’s not really something that I allow myself to think about, but these last couple of days I couldn’t help it. I desperately, DESPERATELY want a child. I know Michael and I would make a gorgeous baby, and I know we’d be the best of parents. I know it! I’d make a good mommy, and he would make a splendid dad. I have tears rolling down my face as I write this. We have so much love to give.
It’s not an option at the moment, and perhaps it will never be. It’s the first time I can really face up to that. It would be a superbly selfish thing to do. The aggressive medicine that I have to take so regularly would put a little fetus in grave danger. And if I didn’t take the meds, it would put me in danger.
I don’t discuss this with anybody, because people make well-meaning but very unhelpful comments. Most people don’t seem to get it. There does seem to be a trend that pregnancy is helpful to ms, but not necessarily in the first trimester, and that is when it would be most dangerous for me to take medicine. And one can look forward to a whopping relapse post-partum. I just can’t bring myself to so blithely stick my head in the sand and do it.

And while I’m off-loading can I just add how tired I am of people staring at me in town because I walk awkwardly. I’m battling so at the moment anyway that I think I’ll start using my walker again. That way, people can see that I’m not drunk, just actually really having a hard time. Maybe I could even put a friendly sign on, like the one Michael gives to other drivers when they annoy him. And if they wanna road-rage me for that, maybe I’ll pick up my walker and wallop them over the head with it.
(Only kidding, but that image did cheer me up a bit).

I hate being so physically limited. I’ve never been a sit-on-the-side-lines type. I really wanted to do the Argus cycle race with my dad, long before I met Michael. And Michael makes a big deal out of the Argus, and his training. How I would have loved to do it with him. Before I got sick, we used to go cycling together, and always had a lot of fun. We’d sing Bohemian Rhapsody together and can ourselves laughing. I’m really competitive, and would have tried to beat his time, I know myself. He’s a man, and stronger, so that would have given him the advantage, but I’m nearly nine years younger than he is, so that would have given me the advantage, evening things up.
Plus, I’m scaly. I would have gotten an exercise bike and practiced secretly at home, ha ha.
Now we’ll never know, and never get to do it together, all because of this blasted disease.

I’m tired of acting normal so people will treat me normal. I can’t keep it up any longer. It’s too hard. People don’t realize what an effort a lot of things are for me. I’m not going to keep up a brave front anymore. I’m just going to say ‘no’. And I wont bother explaining why either. I’m tired of explaining. And if people get huffy with me about it, then that’s just too damn bad. And heaven help the next able-bodied person I see using a disabled parking spot. I hope it happens while I’m still feeling so angry.

Even though I feel so angry, I still have a stray tear rolling annoyingly down my cheek every so often. It’s been a very emotional couple of days for me, and I’m not a fan of keeping things in. I don’t actually think I know how to keep things in. Happy or sad, I need to share it with other people.

I wonder what are the chances of Michael taking me out to eat tonight? That’s bound to cheer me up a bit.

Later……

We didn’t go eating out. Poor Michael feels sick. He has a sore throat and a head cold.
I’m feeling a little better. Not singing and dancing for joy, but definitely somewhat improved.Formulating plans to get myself out of this rut, which is a good sign. Means I may even be out of the doldrums by tomorrow.

Spoke too soon, dammit...!

Wow, I'm agony as I sit here typing. My back is really killing me.

The weekend was very draining, physically and emotionally. We went to the funeral, and it was very sad. Also we drove over 1000km in just two days which was exhausting.

I can't say that the cortisone has helped me much. If anything, I feel worse. I am being plagued by Uhtoff syndrome again, which is where hot weather increases all ms symptoms ten-fold. Not much fun, as we seem to be experiencing a heat-wave.

Don't know what the next step will be in my treatment. The ABC drugs don't seem to work for me. What they do do is make my life lack any sort of quality. Don't want to go that route again!
I'll have to up the dosage of the cortisone again.
If that doesn't work, it'll probably have to be aggressive chemotherapy drugs.
Or plasmapheresis, which is where they take out some of your blood, fiddle with it (remove the anti-body containing plasma) and then put it back in. It's still pretty controversial as a treatment for ms. I don't know much about it.

I'm very annoyed at the low quality content of my life at the moment. And people don't seem to understand the overwhelming effort it takes for me to go anywhere/ do anything.
I guess you could say I feel a bit low.
Especially the pain is really wearing me down.
Not really worth crying about, as what will it help.

At least I have a very supportive husband, don't know what I'd do without him.

I think I'll order a (large) parcel from Kalahari to cheer me up a bit.
Why does life have to be so hard sometimes?
And why can't life be fair? I've never understood that one.

Feeling better - yay!

Oh, I feel so much better today. See, I knew it would pass. The cloud has lifted.

I started feeling better yesterday afternoon. I watched a favourite, old musical of mine, and afterwards my sweet, sweert hubby took me out to eat. Bless him, he knows how that perks me up. We went to a restaurant we haven't been to before, and I had the most divine vegetable platter of my life. Such quality food, they'll definitely be seeing me again.

My symptoms are feeling a little better. Even my eye, which is great. Seems like the cortisone stopped the relapse. That was the reason that I fasted for 5 days, to clear out the backlog of meds in my system, so that it would be more effective. It just makes sense that if you take a lot of the meds and there's a whole lot lying about in your body, your body will start getting used to it and it won't be as effective anymore.
It seems like it worked, anyway. I'll do a five day fast every time I need to take the meds, if necessary.
But it's early days yet. I'll have to see how effective the meds will be, and also how long the effect will last.

I've got a grip on myself as far as my lack of independene is concerned. Yesterday, it was driving me up the wall, today it just doesn't seem so very important. I can do the things I really want to do, and I'll take that for now.
Also, my distiller, which was making really disgusting water, seems to have pulled itself together!

Life is approaching its previously pretty-damn-good state once again.

Remind me of this the next time I have to take IV steroids and feel like the world is crashing down around me.

Not a week that I will look back on...

...with fond memories.

I went for my 1g cortisone drip on Monday evening. I've been feeling sh*tty ever since. Today is my first day back at the office. I really feel spectacularly crap, but seeing as I will feel this way at home, too, I may as well be here and earn some money. I'm not one that can sleep during the day, never could, so may as well go for broke.

The ms symptoms are slightly better already, despite my concerns that my body is growing used to the meds. My left eye is still giving me a lot of trouble, but hopefully will improve.

Some very sad news today, is that Michael's aunt passed away, after a lengthy period of suffering. She was such a courageous lady and a very, very nice person, who will be sadly missed.

I felt so depressed yesterday. I know it's because of the meds, and will pass, but in the meantime, it's not much fun. Add to the that my half blind left eye, the pain in my hips, which has retuned, and the general fatigue, I'm not exactly what you'd call the life and soul of the party, lol.

Luckily I wasn't able to post an entry yesterday, because it would have been the most self-pitying drivel ever.

I can feel I'm getting stronger and better now. Hopefully I'll soon be back to my old self again.

Update

I managed to finish six days of fasting. I'm very pleased with that actually. The reason I stopped was because the toxins were starting to be released into my bloodstream too quickly, and I did not feel well. Next time should go better, though.

Unfortunately, I'm experiencing some bad ms symptoms. Guess I'll have to go for treatment soon, which is a bugger. It's barely been a month since the last time! I would love to stretch it to the 8th of December, at least, but I don't know if I will be able to.

Day 4, can you believe it?

Okay, so I said I'd quit at day 3, but I changed my mind.

Thing is, one really has to psyche oneself up to go on a fast, and I'm now past the half-way mark (if I manage 7 days), so thought I'd go on.

Plus, sometimes it just isn't convenient to fast. Like last month we had our holiday, and there is just no way I'll fast on a holiday.

Also, this fast is going much better than previous fasts of mine did. I have no light-headedness, which plagued me previous. Actually, I feel quite good. Went with my hubby to the WIMPY this morning. He cycled 95km, so I reckon he really deserved it. As for me, I had a bottle of water. It's not that I'm a total martyr - you just reach a stage on a fast where it isn't an option to want a fried, farmer's breakfast. Besides, I'm mostly vegetarian. It really didn't bug me.

I nearly caved in on day 2, when I had the back pain (unrelated to the fast).

Then, day 3 was okay. I went to visit my mom yesterday afternoon. Was thinking of breaking the fast that afternoon at 6pm, thus completing 3 days. But I managed to hold out, thanks to the good advice of my mentor, Paul Bragg. He writed in his book that one just has to grin and bear it. That he never said fasting was easy.
You're telling me! It's the boredom that's the worst. Did you ever realise how much entertainment is in food and eating? That is what is wrong with society today. We eat for fun and entertainment, not to be healthy and provide our bodies with good fuel.

Paul goes on to say that there are times on a fast where you don't feel so good, when the toxins are pouring out of your system. But the best is to lie down for a while, and it will pass.
And he's right! Iy does pass. I'm glad I found that out, otherwise I would have quit already.

So, here I am, nearly finished my fourth day of fasting. Or at least I will be, 6pm. I do so hope that I make it to 7 days.

Day 2

I've decided to only fast for 3 days, as I need to work every day next week as my cousin in going on holiday for a week, so I'll need a bit of stamina. The week after, however, I only work the Monday, and she will work in for me. So I can use the time to get a slightly longer fast in, and also keep up with my cleansing diet this week. The results of the fast are just so much better if one prepares for it. So no omelettes this week! And no chocolates etc.

Yesterday went well. So well, in fact, that I totally overdid things (went shopping on my own) and suffered for it last night. I barely slept from the pain in my back and legs, and when I did sleep, I had horrible dreams! Really horrible. But today I indtend taking it ultra calm, so hopefully things will go better tonight.

Start of Fast

I delayed the start of my fast till today, as I wanted to eat a cleansing, pre-fast diet for at least two days prior to going on the fast. Which I did. That alone has already helped my eyes tremendously. I'm quite excited about this. Can't wait to see the results. Excuse the pun. I'll update again at a later stage on my progress.

I'm also going to see a biokineticist to sort my hip out for once and all. Don't know why it's taken me so long, actually.

Sunday. You can make an omelette without breaking legs!

Tonight I got it into my head to make omelettes for supper. I love omelettes. One of my favourites to order when we go eating out. But here's the thing: I've never made one before. Not that I can remember, anyway. How hard can it be though, right?

Michael obviously liked the idea too because he was very game to go to our local Kwik-Spar to get the eggs. Except he came back with all the ingredients, (including some Jungle Oats bars for me, and some Coke and ice-cream for him) except the eggs. So back he went, this time returning with free-range eggs as specified by me.

I, in the meantime, popped online and did a search for Basic Omelette Recipe. Did a quick scan of them, nodding my head. Not too difficult. Only, I don't have a non-stick frying pan or plastic spatula. Still, too late now. Michael being en-route with the eggs and expecting omelettes.

Wonder of wonders, the omelettes didn't turn out too badly. They were bloody hard to flip over, given that I don't possess non-stick pan/ plastic spatula. So regular pan and metal spoon and egg-lifter had to suffice. I guess that's how they did them in the days before the marvel of teflon.
Luckily, with all the fillings (tomato, green-pepper and mushrooms, cheese, and ham for Michael's) it disguised wuite well that they were a bit torn, especially once I grated some cheese on top of them.

The verdict: Pretty good. Michael said perhaps the best omelette he's had. I have to agree with him that it wasn't too bad for my first stab at an omelette.

Note: Not all my cooking experiments turn out as well. Some cause a lot of tears and swearing. Especially by Michael who has to eat them. LOL. Only kidding, he is very gracious.

Omelettes are very French in origin. Apparently they eat them as a light meal, with a salad and a glass of wine. I like the sound of that. (Not the wine, I hate wine). Michael too. We're going to stop snacking on junk, and start celebrating the light-meal. I'm mostly vegetarian, but I like eggs. And I love omelettes. Good source of protein, too, which the vegetarian is conscious of.

I'm worried about my eyes. I've lost quite a bit of vision in my left eye. The only reason I'm not freaking out, is because that's my weaker eye as it is. I'm worried about the fact that the cortisone didn't seem to help with the optic neuritis. Very worrying indeed. I'll probably have to go for a larger dose of IV cortisone if this doesn't clear up soon. Damn.
My walking, however, if better than it's been in more than a year. My parents are commenting on it whenever I see them. I love that. Of course, they cheered me on when I learnt to walk the first time round, and here they are still cheering me on. I'm so blessed to have them.

Post holiday post.

Long overdue for an update, I know.

The holiday was great. Too short of course, but great, nevertheless.
It was so much fun having the family with us. We had three flats between us, so we all had our privacy, and freedom to do what we wanted, when we wanted. But we still ended up spending loads of time together. It is a holiday I will always remember very fondly.

The only thing that plagued me a little was my eyes, which have gone all optical neuritisey on me again. And my hips were sore, so I couldn’t walk on the beach as much as I would have liked, but I sure didn’t let it spoil my stay there.
I ate like a pig; had plenty of waffles and fast-food, which was nice in its place. But I was more than ready to go back onto my healthy eating plan when I got home.

Actually, I don’t know why I’ve been buggering around so. I know that eating properly, and fasting routinely will improve my health greatly. So I’ve committed to stay on it now, and be a good girl. I’m going on a fast this coming week. I will take it one day at a time, but hope to achieve 7 – 10 days, as recommended by Paul Bragg, fasting guru and my own personal role-model. I look forward to experiencing the results.

I’m also completely committed to rehabilitating my poor sacro-illiac joint. I’ll do whatever it takes, really. It’s been nearly a year of pain and discomfort, and I’ve had enough. I’m planning on going to my chiropractor again, a physiotherapist and a biokineticist. Also for a long-overdue x-ray. I intend buying a book on Pilates, and attending classes if I have to, but I will get this right!

My cousin lent me a very good book on Pilates, incorporating ‘chi’ principles, in a kind of ‘east meets west’ approach. It is really well-written. I never really knew the difference between ‘abdominal breathing’, ‘chest breathing’, and ‘thoracic breathing’. But this book explains it so well, with the aid of simple exercises and visualization techniques so that anybody can understand it. Brilliant.Also illustrates very succinctly the location of the pelvic floor muscles and the ‘core’ muscles. I know this applies strongly to me, because apart from having abominable pelvic muscles (read: bladder control), my core muscles (as a result of the MS) have gotten very slack. Now, the core is a band of muscles that go around the lower, or lumbar’ back, protecting it from injury. So, in conjunction with having used a walking aid for some months, the slack ‘core’ muscles have not been doing my back/ hips any favours. No wonder I have problems. But at least now I can do something constructive about it, knowing what the cause is.