Here we go again...

I haven’t had the best of weeks.
It would appear that I’m having another relapse.
I’m been having an awful time for the last 2,5 months with these injections, and now it seems as if they’re not working. I don’t know what to do.

I’m having way too many relapses. I’m on these injections, I’ve been doing the whole chelation thing, and I went through some very painful dental surgery, but nothing seems to be helping. I’ve tried LDN. Didn’t work. And now the injections don’t seem to be working that well either.

I’m not supposed to take the IV cortisone more than once every six months, and I have already used it twice in a six month period. It’s way too soon to take it again, but what else can I do? I can’t wait it out, it just gets worse and worse. Last time (August) I waited for a month before taking the stuff, and I ended up completely bed-ridden, paralyzed from the waist down. If I wanted to move my legs I had to physically pick them up with my arms. Add to that severe double-vision and blurriness, dizziness if I so much as moved my head from side to side, and very little bladder control. I just don’t think I can go through that again.
So I guess I’ll take my chances with the cortisone. The short-term side-effects are not nice. They include: an awful skin rash, feeling as though I’ve been hit by a truck, mood-swings and depression, and just being generally zonked out for a week or so. The long-term side-effects are more severe. In fact, I don’t even want to mention them, I’m too scared to even think about it.
If I don’t get my timing right, I’m going to be sick over Christmas. Or even worse, my birthday.

My disability level is at 5.5 on the scale already. It is moving backwards at a frightening speed.

I’ve been very aware of my own mortality this week. Not in a morbid, depressing way. Just in a ‘wake up and smell the coffee’ kind of way. I don’t know how much longer I’ll last if I have to take IV cortisone every three months.
I’m just trying so very hard, and I can’t keep my head above water.
I’ve gotten to the stage now where I’m just handing over my troubles to God and His will be done.
But I can’t think that it is His will for me to be so sick and battling.

My mom was visiting today and I tried to carry on as if everything was normal, but I kept falling over. She phoned afterwards to tell me that she thinks I cope well with it and that I have her respect. That I’m brave.
But I’m not that brave. What else can I do though? I don’t have the energy to thrash around on the floor, that’s for sure.
It’s so lovely and cool here, too. Which usually makes me feel much better. But I battled my ar*e off today. This is what has more or less convinced me that it is a relapse. But I’m giving it another week to see if it gets worse before I go for the meds.